Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
