Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
