So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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