you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
