oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
