do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
