I smell stomach acid.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
