I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this beer tastes like vomit already
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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