I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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