I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
