He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize