and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
