Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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