I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
