also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Randomize
