Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
