Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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