Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Did I show you my penis last night?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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