I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Randomize
