I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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