I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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