Swine flu is the new snow day.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
