Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
