i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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