Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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