I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
