Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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