After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
