shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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