I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
