I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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