The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
