You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize