I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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