my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
