Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
