you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
