take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
