Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
