There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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