apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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