mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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