Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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