Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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