Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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