Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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