I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
