haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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