Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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