I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
