Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
