The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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