Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
