My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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