Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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